In My Line of Sight

This is not what I wanted. Sitting numb in the confined walls listening to an old fool dictate stuff I don’t give a shit about. I want to be free, free from all these tension and pressure, these rules and regulations, free from all these stress that suffocates me, things I’m forced to do. I’m fed up with the things I’ve sacrificed to get those I care the least about.
I want to be free like a bird, like a small animal, I want to fly away from all these madness to some remote village or anything where I can do whatever things my heart tells me to.
Inside the lecture room, I felt like shouting, screaming at the top of my voice, like jumping or kicking someone. I even kicked my friend sitting beside me in my frustration. I don’t know what was happening to me. It was something that had never happened to me before. All I knew was that I was broken. All I knew was if I don’t get out of this chaos soon, I would certainly go mad.
At the end of that period, I took my bag and got out. I walked back to my room not even caring to tell my friends about it. All I did was walk with my eyes on the ground and my mind somewhere far away. Before I knew it, I was back in my room and threw myself onto the bed. I didn’t even feel like responding to the messages and missed calls from my friends. I stayed there staring at the ceiling and the fan, trying to get everything out of my mind.
I was thinking of taking a week leave and going back to my home. But my attendance percentage didn’t allow that. I hated it when other things affected my decisions; I hated it when I felt like being inside a prison.
Why can’t I have all the controls?
At least it’s my life.
One thing was for sure: I’m not going to the damned place again – well, at least until I feel better.
I felt a little better lying there with nothing in my mind. By about 4, I was feeling kind of OK and was thinking of a sensible explanation to give to my friends who were always bothered about my bunking classes.
But the next morning, when I was getting ready to leave for college, the bad feeling crept back again into my mind. I didn’t want to go. But again, I never paid attention to the lectures. I always preferred studying from texts. More over sometime back, I lost the faith in the authenticity of those precious words coming out of the lecturer’s mouth.
I decided to get back to my bed again. I had lain there without having breakfast. I felt peaceful with the cool air from the fan massaging my body, the soft music from my mobile healing each and every broken pieces of me.
Looking out through the window, I watched the light blue sky through the small leaves of the trees, the way the leaves move when the cool breeze swept through them, I let the beauty of nature spread inside me. I just laid there looking at that tree, the grey trunk, the thin yet numerous branches, the birds resting on them. I felt so peaceful and happy seeing the white clouds roaming about in the clear sky.
I felt like I was on a vacation, visiting all the beautiful places on the planet. I thought of myself standing beside a beach with the sun’s rays and the cool breeze touching my face, in a beautiful garden with the sound of birds singing for me.
My mind was full of happy thoughts, no Norton’s theory or 8085 architecture or function overloading or Rotating Magnetic Field to haunt me in my dreams. If you haven’t heard of all these things, consider yourself lucky.
I was in that dreamland for about 3’o clock. Hunger or thirst never dared to wake me up from this dream. I felt rejuvenated. I was cured.
By 3:30 I got up and set out to Alif Hotel to have my breakfast or lunch or evening snack, back to the real world.

” A day would come wen u wud walk thru the large gate, on the lonely white path with dry leaves dancing in air, trees swaying in the breeze, away from the place where once love was made..smiles shared.. hearts broken.. tears spilled. Passing out, u wud feel the essence of unknown emotions.. then wen u step into ur lonely classroom with time to spare, only memories wud be there with u, u wud realize dat HEAVEN was HERE, just years before.
ENJOY COLLEGE LIFE! “

I get a lot of such campus messages daily. Passing out of college has always been a hard thing when u think about it. And the worst part is that horrible moment is getting close – only one more year in this wonderful college.

Almost everyone considers their college life as the best days of their life and im no different. But something tells me that its not entirely true. Its about my school life that im talking about – SNPS. It was the place I spend the best 12 years of my life. I cannot tell through words the connection I had with that place.. how homely I felt within those walls. Sadly that is something I don’t feel with my college right now. Of course im more free and have a lot of friends in my college than in my school. But its about the psychological attachment I had with the place.. the structure.. the soul of my school. I know each and every nook and corner of my school and when im inside, I feel just like being at home.. There never was any strangeness.

I used the “was” deliberately… lately it felt different.

Yes.. I went back to my school some time ago.. and felt different – heart breakingly different. For the first time in my life, I felt like a stranger in my own school. Before, I was a part of it, a part of a great institution.. now its not the same, every thing seems different. Strange eyes staring at me.
May be its because of the new students there, or the absence of some of my favourite teachers, or because of the changes it had underwent during my absence, or still may be because i was no longer a student there.
It no longer the place I would have gladly called home.
Now I don’t want to go back there. Not because I don’t like it.. but because I don’t want to experience the strange feeling about my school ever again.

It really hurts to think that im breaking away from the best years of my life. I don’t think I will ever come at least close to such a great place. Of course I love my college, but I just don’t feel the same. May be its because of the 12 to 3 year difference..
or may be I don’t want to feel the same way.

SNPS was like my second home and I really want it to remain the same forever.

I dont want to let go of it and I’ll never let go.

The dream ended abruptly and i was taken back to the conscious world.
As an early riser, i often wake up a little earlier than the alarm time. So i on my bed, waiting for the alarm to ring. But nothing! i took my mobile n looked at the time.
11:55 pm
Cursing myself, i somehow got out of the bed to get some water – only to find the water jug lying empty in the fridge. More curses..
After getting water from the tap, i went back to sleep.. have got a really tough day ahead – a real nightmare in the form of university lab exams.
With my previous experiences in the former semesters.. i was sure to blow this one too..
Waking up at 5.00, and going through the record one more time, was not doing anything to my confidence.
And there is a pretty good reason to that. I am .. well..ok with my studies and pretty sure that i knew the basics to get through the exam. But luck was never on my side during these lab exams. First time in s3, it came in the form of a damaged bulb holder, next time it was some thing i havnt found out yet!
Something heavy was growing inside my heart n making it hard to breath as time got more n more closer to 9 o clock.
Another thing about me is that, since my name starts with A, i will always the first one to have to do everything first.. whether it is giving speeches during my school days, or having lab exams.. i always have to get in there without even a clue on what to expect.
None of my housemates were having any exams that morning, and so i got out alone to a near by hotel for having breakfast.
But the weighing feeling on my heart and lungs was getting worse and i found everything to slow down..n all that i could think of was the previous experiences during lab exams..
I remembered reading somewhere (in this weeks Reader’s Digest i think)that to get a nice productive mind you have to feel appreciate all good things u come across n that will make you happy and well.. release some sort of hormones that helps you think better or something..
Any way i took their advise and started appreciating every thing.. the dusty roads ( thanks to the water authority) the rotten food that i had to eat every single morning..n looking down on my shoes- my dusty pair ( forgot to brush it in my haste to get to clg).. began appreciating everything.. anything to get a cool mind.
Somehow i reached college n waited there with some of my friends.. the six unlucky ones to whom parents have done a really horrible crime.
More friends came, and with them more tough unanswered questions making the weight in my heart unbearable.. i moved away from them towards the exam room.. it was 9:30 already and the first six numbers were called in.
I entered.
and again the choosing ceremony.. we were given with 6 question papers faced down to choose from..well like always im still at the unlucky side. My number is 5 n had only 2 choices..well better than no 6 of course.
i glanced at the question.. some of the weight on me vanished..the question was easy… knowing the answer is just the first part in a lab exam.There was nothing incidental inside the lab… besides getting a damaged ammeter and having a really terrible viva.
Questions: 5
Answers : Nil
but still i was happy..
really happy..
im sure to get .. lets see.. above 60+ marks n im happy with that..
i got out with a heart so light that i feel like flying.. given some tips to those who were waiting outside i got out of the college.. i was so happy i wanted to give a treat to someone.. but fortunately i met no one i know..No unfortunately! i needed to share this happy moment with someone..
n i decided that it would be you guys..
well i dont have exams for another.. 4 days.. i have another one on Tuesday, but its not a problem..got another 3 days to start worrying…